A Childhood Missed
by chocolatemademedoit
Summary: A story about Crane's time at college, first time away from home, no little brothers to take care of. But who takes care of Crane? Who has since he was 12? Warning: corporal punishment/spanking. Don't like, don't read.
1. Chapter 1: College is great

A Childhood Missed

Chapter 1: College is great!

"What on earth are you doing with that?" The older boy grabbed his younger brother's arm and turned him around to face him, for once not letting up when he saw the startled, deer-in-the-headlight look in Daniel's eyes. This was too serious. And he knew it was all his own fault.

He had always been the good one. The mature one. The reliable one. He did what was expected of him. Not because he was being forced, but because he wanted to be that way. When their parents died he had only been 12 years old, but their oldest brother Adam had given up his scholarship in order to raise his brothers and Brian had become his right hand man both in parenting and in ranching, despite still being in high school. Not too many people realized that Crane, too, had stepped up and taken on a responsibility far beyond his years. With four younger brothers, one of whom only just a baby, he had figured that his 12 years were more than enough to step up to the plate. He may have been on the brink of puberty, but his older brothers didn't need a hormonal driven teenager making their lives even more difficult. Not that Crane had been a difficult almost-teenager to begin with. No, Crane had quickly learned from the mistakes his older brothers had made as teenagers. Both were temperamental and volatile and had definitely been a challenge at times for their parents. Not that it took away from their pride in their sons and their love for them, but that love had often been forced to come in the form of groundings, loss of privileges and the occasional trip to the barn. Crane had realized at a young age that life was easier if you just did as you were supposed to. And so when his older brothers turned parents overnight, Crane had quietly done his own share. The first step had been to help as much as he could in taking care of the little ones. Daniel, who was the closest to him in age, was taking the loss of their parents particularly hard. Not that the rest of them found it easy, but Daniel clammed up and started to have temper issues. Crane had always been close to Daniel, despite the four year age difference, but after their parents' deaths his more gentle way had worked better on Daniel than Adam's and Brian's way. He had always known what his brother was feeling and how to get through the shell his brother sometimes build around himself.

It shouldn't come as a surprise that leaving Daniel behind when he went to college had been as hard for Crane as it had been for Daniel. And it had been hard. There was no denying that. Crane had even tried to bring up the possibility of not going. He was more needed at the ranch. They couldn't miss him for such a long time. He would be too far away. What if something happened? But for the first time Brian and Adam had laid down the law when it came to the third brother. If they hadn't been so serious it would have been funny. Crane had never gotten yelled at by them. But it had been a heartwarming kind of yelling. The kind that left you feeling loved and wanted and knowing they wanted the absolute best for you. And Crane had accepted 'the verdict': he was going to Davis and that was that. The memory of that scene still brought a smile to his face.

There was no smile on his face now. There was fear, even anger. An anger Daniel thought was aimed at him. Little did the boy know Crane was mad at himself more than anything. Too late he realized that his grip on Daniel's arm was a little too tight. He immediately let go.

"I didn't mean to, Crane," Daniel looked up at his older brother, eyes teeming with still unshed tears. "I was only looking for a pencil sharpener. I was trying to finish my homework."

"I know, buddy, I know. Well…didn't know what you were looking for, but you wouldn't go through my stuff just like that." Crane carefully took the item from the teenager and put it in his back pocket. Then he opened another drawer to give him a sharpener. "Here you are."

"What was that, Crane?"

"Nothing special."

"Then why'd you get so upset?"

Fair question, Crane thought, but how was he to answer it?

"Crane?" Daniel had turned around to him again, "Look, I'm not a dummy, you know. I know what happens at college. And it's not just studying. There's parties and girls. But also drinking and there's drugs. I know about those, so you don't hafta lie to me."

"I'm not lying to you, Daniel. I've never lied to you."

"I know."

The trust the kid had in him was mindblowing. Truly humbling. But it also meant he couldn't lie to him now. Not even about this. But the boy wasn't even 15 yet. And they'd all had the talk. Hell, even the good one had gotten the speech. And a repeat of it right in the car when Adam drove him to Davis, only a couple of months ago.

 _"I may not have gone to college, Crane, but I know about the temptations you'll be facing. And don't get me wrong, I don't want you burying yourself in your books just so you can get home sooner." Crane had smiled at that, Adam knew him well, "I want you to enjoy the full college experience. Go out every now and then. Hang out with friends. Meet new people. I know I don't have to warn you about not letting parties get in the way of your studies. So don't tell your brothers, but I'm actually gonna tell you to party a little. I'm not even gonna warn you not to drink. I know you will. This is college, after all. And we already allow you a beer every now and then at home, despite being underage. But, buddy, one thing: you mess with drugs and I'm going to forget your age. Are we clear on that?"_

And it had been clear, crystal clear. Adam had laid down the law when it came to drugs years ago. After their parents' deaths there hadn't been too many trips to the barn for any of them. Of course, for Adam and Brian that had pretty much been a given and Crane had simply followed the rules, but even for the rest the number of serious offenses could be counted on one hand in total. There may have been a swat to the butt every now and then, a warning, but mostly being grounded for a few days or some extra chores kept everyone in line. But lie, steal or risk your life and you'd risk a trip to the barn. And Adam had made it clear to every teenager that using any kind of drugs would be a sure way to get a real whipping. So there hadn't been a need for Adam to spell out what he meant by 'forgetting Crane's age' in case of drugs. Crane knew.

Apparently, his silence was answer enough for Daniel, "I won't tell Adam, if that's what you're worried about."

"Oh God…Daniel, I don't want you lying for me."

"Not telling on someone isn't the same as lying."

Now Crane had to laugh. "You forgot that speech about lying by omission already? Or the lesson about telling on someone is not the same as letting Adam and Brian know when someone is in real trouble?"

"Yeah, but you're not in trouble." The trust was still taking Crane's breath away. "You're just in college and experimenting a little. That's all. It's normal, right?"

Crane took a deep breath, "Yes, I've been experimenting a little. You're right, it's marijuana, a joint as they call it or pot. And it's mine. But that doesn't mean it's normal." Far from normal, which is why he'd stopped doing it. So why on earth had he forgotten that stupid half-smoked thing? Maybe because he'd wanted to forget the person who gave it to him.

"Wow…" Daniel couldn't believe his big brother was actually confiding in him. It was usually the other way around. Crane always seemed to understand why he did the things he did, how he felt and how to handle it. Daniel wanted to return the favor and now be the understanding brother. "Have you tried it often?"

"NO!" Crane took another breath and lowered his voice, "No, I'm not a pot head. I like getting good grades."

"Mister straight A. That's what Evan calls you. Especially when he brings home a C." Daniel grinned thinking back to a few arguments between Adam and Evan over missed school assignments. To Evan only one thing mattered and that could not be found at school. He already lived for horse riding and rodeo.

"Well, I have to, buddy, I'm on a scholarship so I have to keep my grades up."

"And you will. You won't let a joint now and then get between you and your goals. I know that, Crane."

"I'm not even…" Crane closed his eyes for a moment, trying to decide what to do. "Look, we'll talk about this later. You're only here for the weekend, so let's just enjoy it. No idea when we'll get to do this again. Money's tight and I can't see Adam allowing too many trips to visit your big brother."

"Nah, he said that this was just because I'd done so well at school."

"I know…so since this is your reward…what do you want to do?"

Daniel grinned wickedly, "Are there any good parties going on?"

"Oh no, no no no, I'm not taking you to any frat parties."

"Afraid I'd do things I shouldn't?"

"No, afraid of the competition with the girls. They'd be fawning all over you." Crane ruffled Daniel's hair, "Those McFadden genes are popular here, don't need more of them around."

Daniel giggled, "You're just afraid they'd like me better. "

"You bet I am."

Crane ended up showing Daniel around campus, although the more academic sights weren't really enough to entertain the almost 15-year old. But two guys and a girl playing music out in the open did catch the boy's attention and they lowered themselves into the grass as well. Daniel couldn't resist the urge to hum along and soon the girl looked at him.

"Can you only hum or do you have a voice as well?"

Daniel's face grew red hot and he found it hard to speak causing the girl to giggle.

"He sings. Plays the guitar too, but we didn't bring our instruments," Crane rescued his brother.

"Well then...don't just hum…SING!"

Daniel didn't need more encouragement and found that as soon as he started singing, he lost his inhibition. One of the guys had an extra guitar and soon Crane was playing along. They hardly noticed the crowd gathering around them. There was often music there, but this was a change from the usual groups playing their guitars and singing protest songs. People seemed to enjoy the change. They started to clap rhythmically, but no one sang along. No one wanted to spoil the beautiful sound of that boy's voice. Crane was glad Daniel didn't notice the sweet smell of weed on some of those present.

When they finally made their way back to Crane's dorm Daniel was bouncing, "That was amazing, Crane! Is it like that all the time? No wonder you love it so much. I wanna go to college too!"

"Now there's a statement that will make older brother really happy," Crane laughed out loud as he got out his key, "You know it's all he wants for all of us to get the degree he and Brian didn't get." It had been their parents' dream as well, but Crane didn't mention them for fear of spoiling his brother's cheerful mood.

"Yeah well…I'll need a lot more A's to get here. But gosh, Crane, to just sit down with strangers like that and make music. That was just groovy, so chill. Can we go back again tomorrow?"

"If you want to, but they may not be there tomorrow." Of course, other people would be there and there would be music again. There always seemed to be music somewhere these days. It was the 70s after all. "I was thinking we could go to the movies after dinner. If you want."

"Sure! Boy, this whole college thing sure is swell. You get to have all sorts of fun."

"And you have to study," Crane tried to point out, but it was lost on his brother.

"And no older brothers looking over your shoulder. No one telling you when to go to bed or what to eat. Or when to…"

Crane groaned, "You're gonna go home giving them all the completely wrong idea about all this, you know."

"Nah I'll tell them you studied all weekend and even made me do my homework."

"Yes, talking about that homework…weren't you going to do that? Why don't you finish it while I get us something to eat. That way we won't have to worry about it tomorrow. I'll even help you if you need help."

Daniel rolled his eyes, "Geesh, you're gonna sound like Adam if you start talking like that." But he didn't mind. When Adam told him to do his homework it usually caused Daniel to bristle, but when Crane did it, the boy just took out his homework and got to it. He knew Crane only wanted the best for him. Of course, deep down, he knew Adam felt the same way, but he couldn't help himself. He had to fight Adam. He never fought Crane.

"Keep comparing me to older brother and it'll be liver for you instead of pizza."

"You don't scare me. You hate liver more than I do!"

Crane couldn't deny that, "Never said I'd have liver. Just that you would."

"You'd never be that mean to your favorite brother in the whole wide world…"

Crane laughed, "Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't. You do your homework and you'll never have to find out."

"I'd do my homework even if you didn't make such a silly threat. D'ya wanna know why? Cause I wanna go to college too. And I'll need good grades to do that."

"You sure do. Pizza it is then." Crane opened the freezer and got out a frozen pizza. He didn't have enough money to order pizza, but had found this grocery story that sold frozen ones that were pretty decent. Of course, he could try making them himself, but that usually took too much time and time was not something he had a lot of, despite what his younger brother seemed to think. He placed it in the oven and got out his own books to catch up on his maths.

The next day found the two brothers in the park again, this time with their own guitars, and again they made music for hours. It baffled Daniel how easily strangers got together and just connected through music. To their own family music had always been important and he knew people loved going to bands, but making music with strangers in a park? That was completely new to him and he loved it.

For both brothers the weekend went by too fast and before they knew it they were standing at the bus depot.

"I don't wanna go, Crane," Daniel didn't manage to keep the whine out of his voice.

Crane laughed, "You sounds like Guthrie when he doesn't want to go to sleep or has to eat his vegetables."

"Don't laugh at me! It was so cool and now I have to go home, back to school and chores and I won't see you for ages!"

That made Crane laugh even harder, "Ages huh? I take it you don't want me home for Thanksgiving then. I guess I could use the extra time to study at the library. Or work."

The teasing earned him a punch in the arm. "You're mean, you know. Of course I want you home for Thanksgiving. You have to come home for that!"

"Ah good to hear that."

"You're right, that's really soon. Less than two weeks now."

"Right. You'll survive, kiddo."

"I guess," Daniel grinned. "And me going home means you might have a shot with that cute girl we saw yesterday."

"Oh the one who was swooning all over you, you mean."

"That one. With me out of the way…maybe she'll finally see you. I saw you looking at her."

"If she's a cradle snatcher I may not want her anymore."

"Suuuuure," Daniel teased.

The two of them laughed for a moment, but then Crane became serious again, "Look, Daniel, about the joint you found…"

"Don't worry, Crane. I said I wouldn't tell Adam and I won't."

"That's just it, kiddo, I don't want you doing that. I'm not doing the whole discussion with you about what constitutes a lie. Because I know you know. You know it is something you really should tell. No…don't try to deny it. I know you do. Otherwise you wouldn't be so adamant in telling me you won't tell. And I don't want you in a position like that. I'll not have you keep my secrets."

"So you want me to tell?" Confusing filled Daniel's voice.

"No, that is my responsibility. I'm going to tell him myself. I'll tell him next time I'm home."

"At Thanksgiving? But that…it'll spoil…"

"It won't spoil Thanksgiving. I won't let it. I'll tell him. I'll let him yell as much as he wants, let him get it out of his system. I'll promise not to do it anymore and that's it."

"I guess since you're 18 he won't…well, you know…"

Crane knew that wasn't exactly true, but he didn't have to worry Daniel with it. "No matter what Adam says, I won't let it spoil Thanksgiving. Promise. So no worries, okay? And no worries about having to keep my secrets."

"Okay…" Daniel didn't sound completely convinced, but the arrival of the bus effectively put an end to their conversation. After a heartfelt hug the boys said their goodbyes and Daniel boarded for the long journey back home. His older brother went home where he called home to let them know Daniel was safely on the bus. Then he lay down on his bed to stare at the ceiling and think about how he was going to handle this. One thing was certain: he was not going to tell Adam before Thanksgiving dinner. He was at home until Sunday late afternoon, so the best thing to do was leave it until after Thanksgiving. There was no reason to spoil everyone's day with moody older brothers. But that was the easy part. The hard part was to try and come up with the right words to confess. Because that is what it was going to be: a confession. And it wasn't something Crane had a lot of experience with.


	2. Chapter 2: No, this is not a farce

Chapter 2: No, this is not a farce

"Hey! Crane!"

No one could mistake that cheer for anyone else but Guthrie. As Crane got off the bus he immediately had to drop his bag to the ground to catch the young boy running for him. "Hey buddy, don't tell me you missed me!"

"Course I did, silly," the 9-year-old wrapped his arms around his brother's neck. "You've been gone for ages and ages."

"Bit of a stretch, you know. It hasn't been that long since I was last home."

"Well, Crane, it sure felt like years!" Suddenly Crane was nearly lifted off the ground.

"Hey, careful, big brother, you're kinda wrinkling the only good clean shirt I've brought."

"Oh so this," And with that Brian let go of his brother and picked up the dropped bag instead, "is filled with dirty laundry for me to wash."

"You've got it."

"Can I carry Crane's bag, Brian? I can handle it. I know I can."

"If that's what you want, kid, I'm not arguing." Brian handed Guthrie the bag and the two older brothers watched the young boy carry the bag to the jeep, with two hands, beads of sweat appearing on his forehead. They couldn't help chuckling softly.

"So how was the bus?"

"Big. With wheels. And windows. A bus driver. And rows and rows of passengers."

"Smart ass," Brian wrapped his arm around Crane's neck. "Looking for a good beat down? Or can we be civil?"

"Hey, I only just got home. No need for violence, big brother. Don't you know it's all about peace and love nowadays?"

Brian laughed, and instead of a headlock, he ruffled Crane's hair with his free hand before letting him go. "Oh I know all about that. Make love, not war. Sounds good to me."

"But you're the love 'm and leave 'm kind. Don't think that's what people mean, Bri."

"Works for me." Brian helped Guthrie lift the bag in the bag of the jeep. "Oh and you'd better prepare yourself to be bombarded as soon as you step through the door. Guthrie's not the only one who thinks you've been gone too long. Everyone's been saving up questions about college and girls and wanting help with homework, and telling you stories about just about everything. And of course Adam will want an update on your grades."

"Oh so you don't?" Crane got in the jeep.

"There's no bad grades, are there?" Brian looked suddenly worried.

"Of course not, Bri, Crane's the genius of the family!"

"Thanks Guth, but I'm not that smart. There are, however, no bad grades so far. I'm doing my best to keep on top of my studies."

"Good. Then you're fine."

Crane wished he shared Brian's confidence. But then, he had more detailed information than his older brother had.

The short drive to the ranch wasn't enough to shut Guthrie up about everything that had happened while Crane had been away. Not that Crane hadn't heard all the important things already, from that same brother, every time they spoke on the phone. He just smiled and listened, though, as if it was the first time he heard it. He could tell Brian was holding back his amusement over Guthrie's enthusiasm.

By the time they arrived at the ranch, Crane's ears were ringing and he knew it was only the start of chatter from younger brothers. He was right. As soon as they neared the house all McFaddens came pouring out, to welcome him home like he'd been away for years.

"Crane! You gotta see my math test! I got an A!"

"Crane! You gotta come see the colt. It's doing great!"

"Crane!. You gotta…."

"Hold on, hold on, squirts, I'll get to it all, I promise," Crane wasn't even trying to get inside and hugged all his brothers. He, too, had missed them. More than they would ever know.

"Alright, alright, give the guy some breathing room, boys," Adam ushered the protesting crowd inside and wrapped his arm around Crane's shoulder. "Welcome home, little brother. Hope you did well on your midterms."

Crane laughed, although to anyone who was paying attention, and Daniel was, it was a bit of a strained laugh, "Knew that would be the first thing you'd bring up. Of course I did well. What did you think? I've got the family honor AND my scholarship to think about."

"See?" Adam called over his shoulder to Brian, "Told you not to worry about his grades."

"Very funny, Adam, very funny," Brian followed the group inside, carrying Crane's bag straight into the laundry room. "I'm sure you'll want to freshen up after that long bus ride. I'll put these in the washer in the meantime. I mean, honestly, Adam, he's wearing his last clean clothes."

"Too busy to do laundry," Crane explained. "I'm sure I've got a clean shirt somewhere upstairs. I can do laundry later."

"Won't take more than a minute, don't worry, buddy," Brian reassured. "I'm quite adept at it nowadays."

Adam laughed out loud at that. In the first few months after their parents deaths there had been a certain incident where a red shirt found its way into a load of whites turning every piece of underwear pink, but those days were long passed now. Still, they liked to tease Brian with it.

"Okay, Crane, take a shower. Daniel? Check if there's a clean shirt he can use. Everyone else, clean up for supper. And yes, that means washing those hands. I don't want to see any dirty nails or there'll be no supper." Of course, Adam's threat was a more or less empty one, no McFadden had ever gone to bed hungry and no McFadden ever would. Still, it got them all scurrying off to do as they were bid while Adam finished setting the table.

Having learned the hard way the risks of not checking pockets - young boys tend to put all sorts of things in their pockets and not all of those things do well in a washing machine – Brian routinely went through all the pockets before putting each item in the machine. Suddenly his expression changed as he found something semi-familiar.

"Oh you bad boy…so there's life in you after all." With a grin the older McFadden made a quick decision not to involve Adam. Adam had a tendency to overreact to things. A strong reaction at that. Adam didn't ask questions. He'd go straight for the kill. And kill he would. No, Brian felt it would be much better if he, himself, had a private word with Crane, allowing the boy to explain himself before he'd give him a repeat of the lecture on the dangers of drugs. There wasn't any need for a stronger action. This was Crane, after all. So, he quickly slipped the joint in the front pocket of his shirt and went on with the laundry.

"You really don't have to tell him, Crane, really."

"Daniel, will you just cut it out, please. I don't want anyone overhearing and this all coming out before I want it to, okay? I'm telling Adam Friday morning and that is it." Crane had taken a quick shower and had found Daniel in their room. The boy had found him one of Brian's shirts. A little big, but not too much. "Thanks…now go and wash up, help set the table…I'll be down in a sec okay?"

"Okay…" Daniel reluctantly left the room leaving his big brother to change in private before going back downstairs.

The noise of the McFadden suppers was something one never quite got used to. And once you'd been away from it for a while, it was overwhelming. Still, Crane had missed it. He put all thoughts of the upcoming talk with Adam to the back of his mind and just enjoyed being home. It was remarkably easy to join right in the mayhem the McFaddens called dinner. Rolls were flying across the table, bowls were passed along quickly, and all seven of them seemed to be talking at the same time. It was normal to them.

"Crane, I know you're only here for a few days and it's kind of a vacation for you, but you know this is a ranch and there's no such thing…"

"As a vacation when you're on a ranch," Adam's six brothers ended the mantra they had heard their entire lives.

"Just say what needs to be done, Adam, and I'll do it," Crane had just taken a bite and so the words didn't quite sound the way they should, but no one seemed to mind.

"I'll show you tomorrow morning," Adam replied while slapping Evan next to him on the back of the head.

"Hey, what'd I do?" The 13-year-old complained, rubbing his head.

"Don't think I missed that you kicked Ford. Nor that you took the last of the rolls when you've already had three. Now give it to Guthrie. He hasn't even had one yet."

"So? It's for all of us isn't it? And I've got it now."

"You really want to start this discussion now, Ev? Really? Because I know a boy who could be cleaning all the bathrooms instead of going riding anywhere this weekend." Uncharacteristically, Adam remained calm, but there was steel in his voice and Evan backed down.

"Geesh, I was gonna do it already." It was about the only threat that worked on him. Unfortunately, it didn't work well enough and instead of giving the roll, he threw it at Guthrie. In his temper he didn't aim very well though and it ended up on the floor between Guthrie and Brian.

"Evan McFadden!" Adam got to his feet.

"It was an accident, geesh, Adam."

Adam said a silent prayer for wisdom to get him through these teenage years. Crane had been so easy. Why couldn't they all be like that? Daniel and he fought all the time and Evan…he was ready to throttle the boy. It wasn't about a roll, or kicking his brother, it was the constant attitude and back talk.

"I'll get it," Crane started to get up, but Brian was closer and he picked the roll up off the floor, brushed it off and placed it on Guthrie's plate. He hadn't realized that the half-smoked joint had fallen out of his pocket onto the floor under the table. He simply took his seat again and resumed his conversation with Adam about the new generator they needed, but couldn't afford. And Guthrie had no qualms eating a bun that had been on the floor. Crane shook his head, laughing. It was good to be home!

"Ya wanna play checkers, Crane?" Ford put his plate in the sink and looked expectantly at his older brother.

Brian cleared his throat, "Wasn't it your turn to do dishes?"

"Ahh do I hafta?"

"Come on," Evan got to his feet, "Daniel and Guthrie did them yesterday. We might as well do them right away." Adam's threat had worked. For now, anyway.

"We'll play checkers or some other game after chores, okay?" Crane, always looking for a compromise, suggested.

"Oh so you're not quite above doing chores now that you're a college man," Brian laughed. "Good to know. I've got some pretty disgusting jobs that need to be done."

"Ohh very funny, big brother," Crane laughed, "You actually have a sense of humor. Who would have thought?"

"Come on, you two…I'll come help you, Crane," Adam got up and put on his coat after throwing Crane his. "Gives me the chance to grill you about those top grades you say you got."

"Go on, Guthrie," Brian got the last McFadden going, "You go and get ready for bed."

"It's not bedtime yet, Brian!" Guthrie protested.

"I know. Did you hear me tell you to go to bed?"

"No…"

"No. I meant to get ready for bed. So that you get to spend some time with your brothers before you actually do have to go to bed."

"ooohhh…" Easily placated Guthrie quickly ran to go brush his teeth and find his pajama's.

"I'll dry," Ford quickly called even before Evan and he had left the table and Evan groaned.

"You always dry."

"That's because you're soooo good at washing," Ford countered. "And because you always complain about how I wash."

"That's because you don't do it right."

Ford shrugged and got the dish towel while Evan started rinsing the plates. He squirted some dish soap in the water and watched it grow as the water from the faucet mixed with it.

"Come on, you're soooo slow," Ford snapped the towel against Evan's leg and quickly jumped back as Evan retaliated by flicking some soap his way. Soon the soap suds were flying through the air while Ford kept trying to get his brother with the towel. Unfortunately, more soap landed on the floor than on Ford and suddenly Ford slipped on them and ended on his butt on the floor, giggling uncontrollably.

"What on earth is going on in here?"

"Hi..hehehehe…Brian…..I'm on the floor…"

"I can see that, Ford. That is the one thing that is clear."

"I'd say the rest was just as clear, Bri," Evan giggled. "Two boys, dishes, soap, towels…you can fill in the rest."

"Hmm…let me try an equation of my own: kitchen, mess, dishes not done, Adam…you can fill in the rest."

Evan rolled his eyes, "You really are not funny!"

"And here I was thinking of a career as a comedian."

"Well, don't give up your day job yet."

"Which brings me back to the dishes and making sure you do them." Brian pointed to the floor, "And now you'll have to clean the floor as well. If I were you, I'd get it done before Adam and Crane get back inside."

"We will," Ford promised, although he was still giggling.

"Yeah, we will," Evan agreed, although not very enthusiastically.

After Brian left the kitchen again the two quickly got the dishes done and while Ford dried the last of the plates, Evan got the old rag they used for chores like this, got on his knees and started drying the floor. If it had been the entire floor he'd gotten out the mop, but since it was only a small part of the floor he figured this would be quicker. He was almost done when he turned toward the table and stopped dead in his tracks. He pushed a chair aside and picked up the small white object on the floor.

"What the hell…"

"You're not supposed to say that, Evan," Ford admonished.

"Yeah well, in this case…"

Ford looked at it, "Looks like a cigarette."

"Eh…" Evan brought it to his nose and got a whiff of the sweet smell of pot. Even though there weren't too many people around there who smoked pot, he remembered being at a rodeo once with his big brothers and had smelled this same sweet smell. When he'd asked them what it was Brian had said to stay away from it and Adam, well, Adam had given him a long speech on saying no to drugs, or else. "I think this is…" He glanced at Ford. "Did Adam give you the drugs-lecture yet?"

"Day I turned 12. Don't know why. It's not like I know where to get it even if I wanted to. Which I don't. Why would I want to?"

"Yeah, well, that's what you say now, but you never know. Just remember Adam's words okay?"

"Okay, Evan…" Ford looked at the joint, "Is that drugs?"

"I think that's pot yeah."

"And it was under Brian's chair." Ford's eyes grew wide, "Brian does drugs?"

"We don't know that exactly, but…"

"It looks like it's smoked, you know…like you see with a cigarette."

"Well, it is a cigarette. Just with marijuana in it."

"Oh."

"It might be someone else's."

"Who was there after Brian mopped the floor this morning…." Ford's mind was in detective mode now. "And before we all left the table. Who cooked?"

"Brian."

"Guthrie sat next to Brian, but it can't be Guthrie."

"NO!" Evan looked shocked at the thought. "And it's not me. From your reaction I know it's not you. Daniel doesn't like smoking because of his voice. Crane is…well, he's Crane, you know. I don't think he even ever was late for school or had detention. And it's definitely not Adam."

"So it hasta be Brian."

"We can't tell Adam."

"Why not? It's not like Adam could give him a whipping. Brian's 22."

"Don't be silly. But still. Adam's gonna be really mad and I don't want them fighting." To all intents and purposes Adam and Brian were their parents and no kid likes to see a fight between their parents. "I need to think about what to do first. You don't tell anyone, okay?"

"Okay," Ford easily promised. But he hoped his brother wasn't doing drugs. That thought scared him.


	3. Unintentional Guilt Trip

Chapter 3  
Unintentional guilt trip

"Are you two still not done with those dishes?" Startled by Adam's sudden appearance Evan nearly dropped the joint, but managed to put it in his jeans pocket unnoticed.

"Geesh, Adam! A little warning when you're about to scare the…"

"Guilty conscience?" Adam teased Evan.

"Course not," But both boys grew a little pale.

"Well, go on, finish up. I seem to remember checkers being on the agenda. And you wanted Crane to see that colt. And…"

"And Crane himself, would actually like to sit down with some coffee and relax!" Crane laughed.

"Might not happen until you get back to your dorm, buddy," Adam grinned mischievously. "We have plans…oh boy, have we got plans."

Crane groaned, "Well, while you two finish up I'll make coffee. Sounds like I'm gonna need it."

"Oh you do! Better keep that coffee going all weekend. You won't get a wink of rest. You'll need a week to recuperate."

"Well, Evan…" Crane looked at the younger boy, "While this brews you might as well show me how the colt is doing. I know you've been dying to."

"Oh yeah…I just…I mean…sure," Evan had been about to run upstairs to find a safe place for the joint, but couldn't come up with a reason to say no to Crane. If Crane noticed his brother's lack of enthusiasm, he didn't let on.

In the barn, Evan quickly forgot all about the offending item in his pocket and proudly showed off the new colt, named Diablo.

"Boy, he sure looks great, buddy," Crane praised, "You've been taking great care of him, I can tell."

"I've been playing with him in the corral every day….well, except when Adam got mad at me cause I'd gotten detention for mouthing off at stupid Beckham."

"You mean Mr. Beckham," Crane corrected gently.

"Yeah, well, you know how he is."

"Yes, I do. He's a very good teacher, Ev, just a little strict and old fashioned. He likes to run a tight ship."

"Yeah…well, guess I'm just not good at being a ship mate on his ship then. And Adam didn't like it one bit. Said I couldn't go out and work with Diablo for a whole two days. He'd have Brian do it instead."

"That must have been rough," Crane let the animal nuzzle his hand.

"Yeah…" Evan sighed. "I nearly got myself in even more trouble by throwing a fit."

"Well, you got through it and I'm sure Diablo missed you."

"He sure did. I mean, Brian's good and all, but…me and Diablo, well…we work well together, you know. We got a connection. And he listens best to me. Brian's too…"

"Brian isn't as patient as you are, wants to rush it. While you take your time and let the horse learn at his own speed," Crane filled it in for his brother and Evan nodded.

"Yeah, that's it." Then he looked at Diablo again. "He sure is a beaut, ain't he?"

"Isn't he."

With a role of the eyes Evan repeated, "isn't he."

"Yeah, he sure is, buddy, he's gorgeous. He'll be great when he's old enough."

Diablo had been nuzzling Crane's hand, then Evan's and almost put his nose into Evan's pocket, causing the boy to laugh, "yeah, I know what you want." He winked at Crane. "He loves peppermints. I usually only give them when he's done well at something, but he knows I've always got them in my pockets."

"Horses are smart."

"And Diablo is the smartest colt I've ever seen." Evan reached into his pocket to find the piece of peppermint. As soon as it was out the horse lapped it off his hand. If you didn't know better you'd say Diablo was grinning. Both boys had missed the joint that had fallen out of Evan's pocket when he'd gotten the peppermint out. It was half-hidden in the straw on the floor by the time they left the barn.

"Will ya watch me work with him tomorrow?"

"Sure, if Adam allows me some time off," Crane laughed, "you've heard big brother, this is a working ranch. There's…"

"…no such thing as vacation."

Laughing, the two of them entered the house. The beginning of the evening was amiably spent playing checkers, telling Crane all the stories he'd missed, and even playing some music. Evan was a little distracted as it felt like the joint was burning a hole in his pants. Had he known it was on the floor of the barn, the boy would have completely panicked, but he didn't know. He was simply wrecking his mind to try and come up with a good place for it. Ultimately, he decided to hold on to it until he could throw it away in the garbage in town. At home, the risk of someone finding it in the trash was just too big.

"Okay," Brian got to his feet, "I'll put Guthrie to bed and then I'm off."

"You're going out?" Adam made no attempt to keep the disapproving tone at bay.

"Just for a bit."

"We have a lot to do tomorrow and it's Thanksgiving. Besides, Crane's home…"

"Well, I'm sure Crane won't mind. He can do his partying at Davis." Brian gave Crane a wink and the boy rolled his eyes.

"Keep me out of it, Brian," Crane said sipping his coffee.

"Do you have to go out, Brian?" Ford asked, almost panicky.

"What on earth is this?" Brian ruffled Ford's hair, "Don't worry, buddy, I'm a big boy. You go to sleep and tomorrow you'll see me out doing my chores." He glanced at Adam. "If you're worried about the turkey, don't. I'm sure I can manage a few beers and some laughs with friends, get a few hours' sleep…and then cook your turkey and do chores as well."

"I'm just saying, Brian, you've been going out a lot lately." Adam tried to remain reasonable, not yell in front of the kids, but he didn't like Brian's nights out on the town. He didn't like the frequency of them and he didn't like the fact that he also went out on week days. The two had already had quite a few discussions about it, but seldom in front of the kids. At least, that they knew of.

"Now, Adam, stop being a mother hen. Guthrie…go brush your teeth."

"Don't you like being with us, Brian?" Ford tried again. The thought of Brian on drugs had him worried and he figured he had to keep their brother safe at home.

"Goodness, Ford, of course I like being with you guys. I love you, you know that. But when you're older you also want to do things kids can't do. I do have friends outside the family. But that doesn't mean I don't like being home or don't love you."

"I know….but…"

"He's just got a hot date, Ford. You know he doesn't stay with those girls anyway," Daniel tried to reassure his younger sibling, but it seemed there was no reassuring Ford at that point.

"I'll make sure Guthrie's tucked in," Crane offered, "You don't keep hot dates waiting."

"I'm not a baby anymore!" Guthrie complained as he finally got up. "No one has to put me to bed or tuck me in. Geesh."

Adam groaned. It was far too early for Guthrie to start entering those difficult teenage years as well. "Fine…go…can't stop you anyways."

"Noop," Brian grinned. "Don't wait up for me. See you in the morning." And off he was.

Crane laughed, "His hot date must not be too picky. He didn't even get changed."

Adam made a disapproving sound, but kept his opinion of these girls to himself, considering the audience in the room.

"Did Daniel mention he suddenly wants to go to college like his big brother?"

Crane's attempt at distracting his big brother worked like a charm, as he had known. "No!" Adam looked at Daniel in surprise. "What brought that on?"

"Oh don't get the wrong idea, Adam, it's not a matter of academic pursuit. He just loved eating frozen pizza and sitting in the park making music with strangers. He doesn't realize that I do try to eat as healthy as I can, but during exam times frozen pizza is the easiest and cheapest way to save time for studying. And that I hardly get a chance to sit in the park playing guitar with strangers. But anything to get our little buddy here in college, right?"

"Eh right…" Adam was still amazed, digesting Crane's words slowly. "Daniel at college."

"Hey, I can do it!" The boy felt offended, although he couldn't quite explain why.

"I know you can! We all know you can," Adam stated. Then he glanced at Crane, "Frozen pizza? Really?"

Crane just shrugged, but Daniel grinned, "It was great! And those people at the park didn't even know each other. And they sure didn't know me. But they still asked me to sing along. And you'd think I was too scared, but I wasn't. I just did it. And it was just the best. Crane said they play there all the time."

"They do," Crane affirmed, "But I don't often see them in classes." Seeing Adam's worried look, he added, "Maybe they're sophomores. Come to think of it, they probably are."

Evan and Ford had been playing checkers after Guthrie had gone to sleep, but when their third game ended in yet another argument over cheating Evan gathered all the pieces and dumped them in the box. "I'm done playing with you!"

"Well, I'm done playing with you!" Ford countered.

"I think I'm done listening to this," Adam looked up at the two, "Put those pieces away correctly, sort them. And then put the game away. It's almost bedtime anyway."

"But we don't have school tomorrow," Ford protested. Usually, it was Evan who would be complaining about having to go to bed, but the boy kept uncharacteristically quiet.

"I don't care. Morning comes early and the animals don't know you don't have school." Adam sure liked to repeat himself, the boys thought. Little did they know their oldest brother just repeated what he, himself, had been told all his childhood by their father. He tried to raise them as he thought their parents would have wanted.

"But Crane's here!"

"Ford!"

Crane interrupted Adam before the man could get angry, "I'll be here tomorrow and the day after and after…I'm not leaving until Sunday. And there'll be time enough to spend time with me. And that time is better spend when we're both rested instead of over-tired, don't you think?"

"yeah, I guess…"

"I guess so too," Crane smiled at Ford as the boys put away the checkers.

"Come on, I'll go on up as well," Daniel got up as well. "I feel like an early night." He hadn't slept much the previous night and doubted he would the next. Worry over his big brother kept him awake.

"Night, buddy, I won't be long myself," Crane was tired from the long bus ride and the hard work of the previous weeks. Deadline after deadline for all his classes had exhausted him.

When it was just the two of them downstairs, Adam looked at Crane, "How come you were never that much trouble?"

Crane laughed, although a little wryly, "I learned from your mistakes, bro. At least, I tried to."

"Well, you must have done more than try. Not a day goes by that I don't have to correct someone, punish someone, get calls from school, notes, get back talk…" He smiled a weary smile, "Wouldn't change it for the world though." He looked up at Crane, eyes full of pride and love, "Do I ever tell you how proud of you I am? I don't think I say it enough. But I am, kiddo. And not just because you're at college and doing so well academically. The way you are with the younger ones. I lose my temper too easily, but you? You just know what to say to diffuse the situation. You're an amazing kid, Crane."

Crane looked down at his hands, unable to maintain eye contact with his older brother. It was great to hear how proud he was of him, but he knew the man wouldn't be as proud of him if he knew what Crane was going to have to tell him on Friday. For a split-second Crane wondered if maybe he just could keep quiet. After all, there was no harm done. Even before Daniel found the joint he'd decided not to do it anymore. So he would just stick to that promise to himself and that was it. But then, he knew it still meant that Daniel was forced to keep his secret and although the boy was willing, Crane wasn't willing to have that on his conscience. He held himself to high moral standards and he simply couldn't do it. It went against everything he believed in. But knowing that, meant that hearing Adam's words of pride hurt. Still, he managed a, "Thanks," and cleared his throat. "I guess I'm heading up too. Want to get some reading done."

"Worried about school work?"

"No, don't worry, just like to stay ahead of the game."

"Remember what I said when I drove you there, buddy, don't spend all your time studying. Have some fun as well. Enjoy the experience."

It caused yet another jab from his conscience and Crane just nodded, "Don't worry. Night bro."

He left a confused big brother behind. Adam may not be the most intuitive guy in the world, but he knew something was wrong. Something was worrying Crane. And not just Crane. Ford and Evan had been acting out of character as well. He decided to allow himself a beer to relax a little before retiring as well. If his younger brother could go out and party, least he could have was a beer. And maybe watch some television. He figured he would stay up for another half hour, maybe an hour. Then he would check on his siblings and head to bed himself. But he was tired and didn't last more than 10 minutes before he drifted off on the couch.

Upstairs, Evan was in a full blown panic. He had gone through his pockets 5 times now and still hadn't found the joint. 

"Evan, what's wrong?" Ford asked for the third time.

"It's gone," Evan finally whispered.

"What is gone?" Ford asked sleepily.

"You know what. Never mind. Don't you worry about it….it's nothing…just go to sleep."

"Not sleepy," the yawn that followed the words clearly made him a liar, but Evan didn't hold it against him. "What are you looking for?"

Even put his clothes away and got ready for bed as well, "It's okay. I just remembered what I did. I'm going to sleep." He turned off the light and got under the covers. He'd just lied to his brother. A bigger lie than not being sleepy. He simply didn't know where it was. He knew he'd put it in his pocket. And it wasn't there now. So he must have lost it somewhere. But where? In the barn? In the living room? As soon as he heard Ford's breathing slow down into that deep sleep he slipped out of the bed again and out the room. The light in the hall upstairs was enough for him to clearly see the floor and the white joint should stick out easily. But it wasn't there. As he glanced over the railing downstairs he noticed Adam on the settee . He immediately ducked out of sight, but after a minute or two glanced back down. When he realized Adam was asleep he let out a sigh in relief and got to his feet again.

Mindful of the creaking step he got down the stairs. One look at the games' shelf and near the table where they had played, made it clear it wasn't there. The only other place he could think of was the barn and so he quietly made his way to the door and put on his coat while slipping his feet in his boots. Putting his hand on the door knob he slowly turned it and opened the door. It creaked just a little and Adam turned over, "Brian? That you?"

Evan remained absolutely quiet, praying Adam would simply go back to sleep, but he was out of luck. As Adam opened his eyes and noticed Evan with his coat on he rolled his eyes, "Not this again, Ev. There's nothing wrong with Diablo and you are NOT sleeping in the barn. How many times do I have to tell you."

"But Adam…," Jumping at the excuse, Evan whined, "I just gotta…"

"You don't 'gotta' nothing. The only thing you 'gotta' do is get your butt back upstairs and into bed before I start swatting it all the way up."

Evan bit back a cuss word and closed the door. He'd just have to sneak out of the window. He'd done it before.

"Coat, boots," Adam ordered when Evan made his way to the stairs and with a groan Evan turned back to hang up his coat and heel out of his boots. There were sweaters, he told himself. "Upstairs. And don't get out of bed. Don't even think of climbing out the window like you did last time. You damn near broke your leg doing it."

"Not even close, Adam."

"Are you arguing with me, boy? I could ground you from Diablo again for the entire Thanksgiving break…"

With wide eyes Evan quickly made for the stairs, "no, sir! I'm off. I'm up. Night!"

Back in his room, he thought seriously of disobeying Adam and going out the window anyway, but he decided against it. He just didn't want to risk his time with Diablo. And going to the barn without his boots wasn't all that great of an idea either. He slipped back under the covers and thought about his strategy. He could always get up early to do the barn chores and look in Diablo's stall then. Yes, that's what he would do. This would work out just fine. He hoped.

The sunlight peeking in through the small opening in the curtain fell right on his face and he moaned. It was warm and cozy and he was dreaming he was lying in the meadows in the sun, looking up at the sky. Diablo was grazing next to him, which was odd because he hadn't taken Diablo out like that yet. But that was dreaming for you. Suddenly the sun got a lot warmer and he blinked. Diablo started pushing against him with his nose as if to hurry him. "Not yet, Diablo, you gotta wait." He turned over, but the pushing continued.

"Come on, Ev, it's late! You gotta get up. Adam'll get mad if we haven't done our chores in time. Come on…."

Evan sat up so quickly that for a second his head was spinning. "Huh? What time is it?"

"It's 8. Ya gotta get up. I overslept as well."

Evan had never dressed as quickly as that morning. "Come on…." He hurried Ford as if Ford was the one who was dragging. He ran down the stairs, slipped into his boots and got his coat. He was still putting it on when he reached the barn. The doors were open and Adam appeared in the doorway causing Evan to come to a sudden halt. The look on Adam's face said enough. He didn't even have to see the joint in his brother's hand.

"Looking for this?"


	4. Jumping to Conclusions

AN: A very short chapter this time, but it was the right place to stop. Going further would seriously make the next break more difficult.

I would also like to take the opportunity to thank the reviewers. The two guest reviewers I can't send a PM, so thank you so much for leaving those lovely words about my story! I can't even put into words how happy those made me. For now, this is one short story, but I'm finding this fandom fun to write in, so there might be a follow up story. Just looking for ideas at the moment. This one had been bugging me for ages, so I finally wrote it down.

Chapter 4

Jumping to Conclusions

"I can explain, Adam," it wasn't even his, but Evan felt his throat constrict.

"I doubt it, Evan. How on earth can you explain this? Still….I wanna know. How on earth did this get into Diablo's stall?" Adam was seething. "I have a mind to sell him."

Tears appeared in Evan's eyes, "No, Adam! You can't!"

"I can and I will. Unless you have a perfectly reasonable explanation for having drugs in your possession, not to mention smoking in the barn of all places!"

"It's not mine."

"Hmm so someone else went into Diablo's stall and left this there. Maybe some hobo came by and figured it was a good place to sleep between a colt's hoofs. Hmm? You think so? You actually think I'm buying that?"

"No, but Adam…I'm not lying. It's not mine." Tears were spilling over. He'd known that Adam would be mad for hiding this, but never in his life did Evan think his brother would simply expect him to use drugs. He was only 13. Where on earth would he even get drugs? He didn't know.

"Then whose is it?"

"I…I can't tell you…"

"You will tell me or Diablo goes. Even if we'll keep him, you won't be working with him anymore."

"Adam…I promise. It's not mine…please.."

"He's not lying, Adam," Ford appeared behind Evan.

Adam's eyes grew wide and then he got a look at his face the boys had seldom seen. "I can't believe you two! Evan, you have one more chance to tell me…"

It wasn't fair. Adam just wasn't being fair. Evan was stuck. He didn't want to rat his brother out, but to lose his colt was simply too much. On top of the realisation that his brother wouldn't even give him the benefit of the doubt. It wasn't fair. And Evan wasn't weak. But Diablo was his one weak spot and Adam knew it. He'd used it a few times already, successfully. "You gotta promise not to get mad," Evan pleaded.

"I'm not making any promises, boy," Adam took a step in Evan's direction. "Now I want names. Who gave this to you?"

"No one actually gave it to me." Before Adam could explode again Evan raised his hands and continued, "I found it. On the floor. In the kitchen."

Adam paused for a moment, took a second to collect his thoughts. "When?"

"Last night after supper, when we were doing the dishes. Ford and I found it."

"Where exactly?"

Damn, why did Adam have to go on and on like that? It wasn't like Evan was 100% sure it was Brian's. Just about 99%. And he knew Adam would think the same.

"Where exactly?" Adam repeated in a threatening voice.

"It was under Brian's chair!" Ford almost yelled the words. "Stop being mean to Evan, he didn't do nothing."

"Ford's right. It was between Brian's and Guthrie's chairs." The words had come out in a whimper and Evan broke down crying. Although Adam's anger now had a new target, he did immediately feel bad for having accused Evan and he pulled the boy close in a hug.

"I'm sorry, buddy, I just…well, I found it there and…you know how scared I get for you boys. I'm always afraid something will happen to you. I only got mad because I love you so much."

But Evan had a hard time stopping the tears. He'd betrayed Brian. That's what it felt like. "You're gonna fight with Brian. And it's all my fault."

Adam had tried to pull Ford into a hug as well, but the boy resisted. Adam pushed through though and got hold of both of them. "It's not your fault. But you have to remember something very important. Both of you. I don't expect you to rat out one of your brothers over some mischief. I never have and never will. But remember when Guthrie kept going off to the creek when he was just little and you two came to warn me? That wasn't tattling. That was making sure your brother was safe. Because he couldn't swim and could have easily fallen in and drown. So you kept him safe. You were upset a bit that he got a few swats to his behind, but you knew it was more important that he was safe. Sometimes you have to tell me things. When you know one of your brothers is in real danger, you have to tell me. I can't help him if I don't know what's going on. You understand? This is one of those times when you can't hide it from me. It's not safe to hide things like this."

It was Ford's turn to cry now. "But we didn't want you two to fight."

"I don't want to fight Brian either, but I have to talk to him about this. I can't ignore it, buddy. And I think you know it. You're just going to have to trust me to know to do the right thing."

Evan swallowed hard, "I'm sorry, Adam, for not telling you. I just got so scared and didn't know what to do. And then you started yelling…"

"Yes, I know I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that. But, like you, I got scared. And I don't do scared very well."

Evan smiled through his tears. "I know. That's when you lose your head, Crane always says."

"Hmm maybe I should have a word with Crane."

"Are we in trouble, Adam, for not telling you?" Ford's voice was very small now.

"No, I think you two know when to come to me from now on. And me yelling unfairly just now was bad enough." The boys nodded emphatically. "Why don't you two go and do your chores and I'll go and find Brian and find out what on earth he thinks he's doing with this."

As he watched his two younger brothers run off to get to their chores Adam leaned against the barn and closed his eyes for a moment. Despite his calmer words to Evan and Ford just now, he felt an anger inside that just wouldn't simmer down. He knew he should take the mature approach and talk to Brian about the reason for this. He should ask Brian if something was wrong. He should try to help his brother. But what he really wanted to do was go and strangle him. He was seething. He tried taking deep breaths to calm down. After all, he'd just jumped down Evan's throat unfairly, it wouldn't do to just run to the next guy yelling at him. It's not like they had actually seen Brian smoke that joint. It had been on the floor. Still, the position of the thing was clear. It had to have been Brian. Who else could it have been? Guthrie? Adam snorted. How could Brian do this? How could he do it to himself? To Adam? To his younger brothers who looked up to him? Going into town night after night, sleeping around, drinking, it was all bad enough. But this was different.

"Adam, you need to calm down!" He told himself out loud and headed to the house. He knew Brian was still asleep on the sofa in the living room. Apparently, he'd been so drunk that he'd just let himself fall down without even putting on pajama's, or pulling out the sofa bed, or even getting his blanket out. And if he'd fallen asleep like that, he was still there now.

The sounds coming from the kitchen proved him wrong, though. Brian was in there, cooking breakfast as well as preparing Thanksgiving dinner. As soon as he heard the door open the second-oldest McFadden called out, "Breakfast will be ready in about 15 minutes. Felt like making pancakes since it's a holiday and Crane's home."

When there was no answer from the doorway, Brian looked around, somewhat surprised. "What? No cheers? I thought you loved my chocolate chip pancakes." Finally the look on Adam's face caused him to lose his cheery tone. "Something wrong? You look like you just lost your best friend."

"Maybe because I feel like I have."

"Huh? Sorry, you're not making any sense."

Adam held out his hand, the joint between his fingers. "Does this make sense?"

"Oh." Suddenly, everything became clear to the second McFadden. Well, mostly. Because he had no idea how it got in Adam's possession. Subconsciously he reached into his pocket, to find it empty.

"You dropped it." Adam's tone was a mix of contained fury and deep disappointment. Despite not wanting to jump to conclusions, Brian's reaction was proof of his guilt. At least, to the older brother.

"Must have."

"You're not even trying to deny it."

"Why would I? Clearly, you already know."

"Brian! I don't know anything. I can't understand why you'd even smoke this. I can't understand why you'd bring it home. I don't understand a thing anymore. Did you know that Evan and Ford found it? Under your chair after dinner."

"Ah." That explained part of it. "And they needed your advice on how to cure the addict?"

"Damn it, Brian. They tried to hide it from me. They're afraid you're in trouble. They're afraid of losing you." He couldn't say that he was just as afraid. But he was. As angry as he was, he was also just as scared.

Brian shook his head, "Stupid kids."

"You're one to talk. Why, Brian? Why? I need to understand."

"Doubt I can help you."

Taking Brian's tone for indifference or even insolence Adam lost his temper. It took only two steps for him to grab Brian by the arms and shove him against the kitchen counter. "You're gonna have to do better than that to explain why you brought drugs into this house!"

"What's going on in here?"

Brian didn't take his eyes off Adam as he answered his other brother, "Don't worry about it, Crane. It's just Adam losing his head again."

"Looks like a bit more than losing his head. Adam?" Crane persisted.

"Look, Crane, I appreciate you wanting to help, but this is between Brian and me."

"When two McFaddens fight, it affects the entire family. That's what Mom always said. And right now, when you two fight, it definitely affects all of us."

"Stop quoting mom and stop trying to outsmart me, Crane."

"Don't mean to, Adam, but you're about to do something you'll regret."

"Crane," Brian looked at his younger brother now, intently, "why don't you go out and help with the chores. And I'll make sure Adam doesn't do anything that anyone will regret."

Adam gave Brian a good shake, "Have you completely lost your mind, Brian? You're acting like everything's fine when you brought drugs into this home. How could you? Drugs?! After everything we've gone through, all our talks to the boys? And not just use it, but take it home? Did you think it was too much of a waste of a good joint to throw it out half-smoked? So you just stuffed it in your pocket to enjoy later? Maybe while you were looking after Guthrie huh? Or maybe driving him to school?"

Crane's face had lost all color. His quick mind was adding up the available information and he could only come to one conclusion. He'd completely forgotten about the joint he'd put in his back pocket when Daniel had found it. He'd put the jeans in the laundry when he'd gotten ready for bed that night and never looked at them again. And he knew he hadn't taken it out. Now he knew. "Adam?" He cleared his throat to make more sound, "Adam!"

"You stay out of this, Crane."

"Crane," Brian warned, "just go and leave this be."

And right then and there, Crane knew what Brian was doing. And he could cry. "No. I can't." Brian and he had their differences. They were completely different people and didn't always get along well. Brian was too loud and volatile for the sensitive young man. But that didn't mean they weren't brothers. They'd do anything for each other. They would always stand up for each other. "I was gonna tell anyway."

Adam had stopped shaking Brian and now looked at Crane. It was like watching that proverbial light bulb switch on above his head. But in slow motion. "Crane?" Maybe he simply didn't want to believe it.

"It's mine. Brian found my joint in my laundry. And he must have lost it. It's mine. Not his." Crane's voice was much calmer than he felt inside.


	5. Of Confessions and Consequences

AN: Another big thank you to the reviewers. They've made my day. I hope this final chapter (for now anyway) meets the expectations.

Chapter 5

Of Confessions and Consequences

Slowly Adam's hands unclenched and he let go off Brian's shirt. After having accused two innocent brothers, he was lost for words.

"Adam?" Brian said cautiously. "Please stay calm now. This is Crane. You don't have to yell."

Adam's silence was unnerving and Crane found himself squirming a little. "I really was going to tell."

"Why would you tell us, though?" Brian wondered out loud, "I mean, not that I don't believe you, but…"

"I know. It's hard to believe me right now and I don't blame you for doubting my words," Crane was looking at Adam though, almost wishing the man would start yelling.

"Not so much doubt, buddy, but…"

"Oh I do doubt it," Adam said tersely and the words were almost a relief to the 18-year-old.

"I know. And I'm sorry," Crane was immediately interrupted.

"Not yet you're not. But you will be."

"Adam, hear him out, please," Brian reasoned. "You already yelled at me for this and at Evan…"

Crane gasped, "Evan?"

"Evan and Ford found it after I apparently lost it at dinner," Brian explained. "And Adam found it in Diablo's stall, jumping all over Evan who finally told him where he'd found it and then big brother came looking for me. So you see, Adam, you owe it to Evan and me to listen to Crane. Talk first, then yell." There was no doubt there would be yelling, even Brian knew that.

"Okay, I'm listening." Adam turned towards Crane now, arms crossed against his chest. "But you have to admit it's kinda hard to believe you would actually come and tell me you're doing drugs."

Crane took a deep breath in an attempt to calm his nerves, "Daniel found it in my dorm when he was looking for a pencil sharpener and he was willing to keep it a secret. He kept saying he wouldn't tell you. I couldn't let him do that. So I told him I would do it myself."

Immediately, both Adam and Brian knew it was the truth. Crane was fiercely protective of his younger brothers, Daniel in particular, and he would never let the boy lie for him.

Brian nodded, "I get it. And I believe you."

"Me too," Adam said evenly and Crane let out a sigh in relief. The relief was short-lived. "Doesn't make it right, though. Doesn't change the fact that you had it. Doesn't change the fact that it's half-smoked. Doesn't change the fact you had it where Daniel could find it. Doesn't change the fact that you were careless enough to bring it into our home."

A yelling Adam could be scary, but they were all used to that. Adam yelled a lot. He was quick to anger and usually quick to calm down. But this Adam was even scarier, Crane found, and he wished the ground would open up and swallow him. It wasn't to be.

"I'll ask it and I expect an honest answer…" Adam started and Crane could only nod. "Did you smoke it?"

"Yes, sir," Crane didn't call Adam sir. He had a few times in jest, but never seriously. There had never been any need. But the word slipped out now.

"Was it the first?"

Crane couldn't hold Adam's gaze and studied the floor instead, his eyes tracing a track of flour left by Brian. Mom would have been appalled at the state of her floor. She was forever yelling at them to take off their shoes and watch her clean floors.

"I guess that means no."

"I'm sorry," Crane may have been a sensitive guy, but he wasn't one to cry easily. However, right now he felt the familiar burn of tears behind his eyes.

"Is that what you use our hard-earned money for? Drugs? Am I saving up every penny so you can get high?"

"Adam, you were gonna listen and talk first, remember?"

"It's getting mighty hard, Brian!"

"I know, but I'm sure Crane hasn't turned into a pothead. His grades wouldn't be as good as they are if he were."

Brian had a point and Adam felt some hope as he looked at Crane again. "How often?"

"I…2 or 3 times. I didn't really like it much…"

"Then why even try it? Or why go to the second one if you didn't like the first one? Not that you should've had the first one to begin with, but…"

Before Crane could answer Brian interrupted Adam. He'd seen the blush on Crane's face and shook his head, "A girl. This is because of a girl."

"How'd you know that?" Crane was genuinely surprised. Not that he thought Brian was dumb, but he didn't think he was that transparent or predictable. In fact, the whole thing had taken him by complete surprise when it happened.

"Because I've been 18 and stupid." Before Adam could jump to conclusions yet again, Brian added, "Never did drugs, brother. But then, I was in a small town where I had no idea how to get it. None of my friends did. Who knows what I would've done if I'd gone to college. Who knows what you would've done if you'd taken your scholarship. You might have sowed a few wild oats." Adam wanted to protest, but Brian didn't let him. "Point is, I know that we guys tend to do stupid things when a girl's involved. We seem to lose all intelligence and common sense."

"Yeah," Crane agreed morosely.

"You still seeing that girl?" Brian queried.

"No. I wanted to study and she wanted to party. It didn't work."

"And after that?" It was Adam's turn to ask questions again.

"I focused on my studies. Adam, I knew I'd almost messed up and wanted to put it behind me. I wanted to forget the girl and focus on my studies. And then Daniel found that stupid thing and I knew I'd messed up even more than I already had."

"Because Daniel found it?"

"He's so young still and impressionable."

"You wanted to protect him?"

Smart as he was, Crane had no idea where Adam was going, although Brian had a pretty good idea. Of course, being a parent gave you a certain perspective on things, especially when it came to your children, even if those children were your younger brothers.

"He looks up to me and he was already in awe of everything he saw there. I didn't want him to think it was cool to smoke weed."

"Your concern for your brother is not in question here, Crane. Although you were pretty careless allowing him to find it and allowing your other brothers to find it as well. Let me rephrase my earlier question: if Daniel hadn't found this," Adam held up the joint, "Would you still have felt the need to tell me?"

Crane looked at Adam like he'd grown a second head, "Of course not."

Adam nodded, knowingly. "Right. So you're worried about your brother. Worried about Brian and Evan getting yelled at. But you're not worried about yourself. And worry about you is what I'm feeling more than anything."

"Oh," it had been years since Crane had sounded so young.

"Yeah 'oh'," Adam couldn't completely keep the sarcasm out of his voice. "I'm your older brother, but I'm also your guardian. You were always such a good kid. You were practically grown up at 12. So to learn that you have so little concern for your own welfare now at age 18, is distressing. It's worrying the hell out of me."

"Maybe that's the problem," Brian thought out loud, in a rare moment of absolute wisdom and understanding, "Having to be a grown up at 12 made him skip a lot of his childhood. All those years where we as kids did all sorts of stupid things and had mom and dad to give us boundaries and consequences…he had to do that for himself. He restrained himself. He never gave us any real trouble, because we had enough on our plate and he knew it. And at Davis, he's able to let lose a little. Maybe he's catching up a little. He's still a kid after all."

"I'm right here," The subject of their discussion spoke up, but both older brothers ignored him.

"That may be right, Brian," Adam argued, "but that only tells me he needs a little bit of those boundaries and consequences."

"So make sure he has them. But don't overreact to this. He hasn't turned into a pothead. He's not throwing his college degree away. He's not lost his head. He has his health. Didn't get a girl pregnant. Wasn't arrested. We're all okay. So now's the time to yell at him, lay down the law again, remind him of all those dangers of using drugs. And move on."

"Can't do that, Brian."

"Why not? Why does it have to be a big three-act drama?"

"It doesn't have to be a drama," Adam calmly explained, "but I made a promise. I already laid down the law. I already gave Crane, as well as everyone else in this household, those boundaries. And I promised certain consequences for breaking them."

Crane felt his stomach churn at those words but didn't contradict Adam. Brian, on the other hand, wasn't easily convinced. Both older McFaddens seemed to have almost forgotten their younger brother was still there. "Come on, this is Crane. With everyone else, yeah, I get it. But Crane's a good kid. A smart kid. He's already learned from this. He definitely doesn't need anything more forceful than a strong lecture."

"You're wrong," Adam had never been so sure in his life, "I think it's exactly what he needs. He's more concerned about his brothers' welfare than his own. He has so much love and kindness in himself for others, but he seems to think there's no one to care for him when he needs it. He's parented himself from age 12. It's time I stepped up to the plate. You just argued my case for me. You're the one who convinced me he's still a kid and needs to be that kid for a little while…but that comes with boundaries and consequences."

"But, Adam…come on…there's no need…"

Finally, Adam turned to Crane again. The boy had retreated to the wall, as if wanting to disappear. Adam walked over and gently placed his hand under the boy's chin, lifting his head to look him in the eye. "You remember our talk in the car on our way to Davis?"

"Yeah…I mean, yes, sir," Crane's throat was dry as sand paper.

"Humor me and remind me what I told you. What I promised you."

"You…you said that if I messed with drugs you'd forget my age."

"Right. And was there any uncertainty as to what I meant?"

Crane shook his head. "No."

"No what?"

"No, sir." God, Adam had never insisted Crane called him sir before. Brian bristled, but kept quiet.

"So what did I mean?"

Brian couldn't stay silent anymore, "Come on, Adam, you don't have to humiliate him."

"I'm not, Brian. But I have to make sure Crane knew the consequences of his actions. After all, he's never been in real trouble with us before."

"I knew," Crane tried to regain some of his dignity and maturity and stood up a little straighter, "Brian, I knew when I got on the bus yesterday that sometime during this visit I'd be making a trip to the barn. I knew. And if I'd thought about it at the time, I also would have known that the second I accepted that first joint. I knew what Adam meant. Mess with drugs and you get a whipping. It doesn't take a rocket scientist."

"None of that sass, young man," Adam admonished and Crane ducked his head.

"Sorry, I'm just saying I knew. Can I just…" he looked up imploringly, "Can I just say how sorry I am? Cause I really am."

"What are you sorry for, kiddo?"

Adam's use of the old word kiddo caused Crane's eyes to sting again, "I'm sorry I disappointed you."

Now it was Adam's turn to feel his eyes burn, "I can't say I'm not disappointed. But never in you, kiddo, never in you. Your actions, yes, but not you. You, I'm very proud of. I know you were going to come talk to me some time this weekend. I know you were ready to accept the consequences. Your protectiveness of your brothers is amazing." Adam finally got to the point he had started to make earlier. "But it's my job to be protective of you. Not only are you my little brother but I've been your guardian for the past 6 years. I need to protect you. And like I just told Evan and Ford, sometimes that protection comes with a sore behind. Because that is the lesser of two evils. And to show you just how much I care about you. I don't like hurting you, but I will if it helps keep you safe."

Crane nodded again, trying to remain brave and mature, but feeling like he was losing years by the minute, "I know."

"Brian? Could you maybe…"

"I'll take the kids out to look for berries for dessert after breakfast so you and Crane can….breakfast! Damn it, I was gonna make pancakes!" And with that Brian quickly got back to his work, thankful he had only just started making the batter.

"With chocolate chips?" Crane looked hopeful and Brian couldn't help smiling.

"With chocolate chips. Didn't know I was trying to soften big brother up, but if it helps it helps."

"We'll settle this after breakfast, kiddo."

"Okay, Adam," Crane wasn't sure he'd be able to eat a single pancake, but maybe settling this today meant he could actually enjoy his Thanksgiving dinner.

By the time everyone came piling back into the house from doing their respective chores, the entire house was filled with the sweet smell of pancakes. Brian had gone all out, making blueberry, banana and chocolate pancakes. And even plain ones for Ford, who, for some reason, preferred them plain. Well, plain topped with maple syrup that is.

"Whoah" Daniel licked his lips as he slipped into his chair.

"Hands!" Brian warned without even looking up.

"I washed them."

"Wash 'm again. I want to hear the water running. I want to smell the soap."

Behind Brian's back Daniel rolled his eyes, but he did get up again and joined the rest at the sink to wash up.

Evan gave Brian a questioning look in passing, but didn't ask how the talk had gone. He was pleased to see his older brother acting normal enough, even a little cheerful.

"Boy, you outdid yourself, Bri," after waving his lavender-scented hands in front of Brian's face, Daniel slipped back into his chair. "What's the occasion?"

"Eh…it's Thanksgiving? Or did you forget that?" Brian teased.

"Oh yeah, that, but you never make a big breakfast for Thanksgiving."

"Well, I did today. But hey, if you don't feel like pancakes…I can make you oatmeal."

"Nooo, no way!" He took loaded up his plate with blueberry pancakes. Then he added yoghurt, more berries and syrup, in large quantities. "Mmmmm Brian, you're the best!"

To an outsider, it was a regular breakfast in the McFadden household. The boys were fighting over the last of the pancakes, talking all at the same time, without taking the time to swallow their food before doing so. But a close observer would notice that Brian was just a little bit louder than normal and Adam and Crane quieter than usual. Not that Crane was a noisy presence at the table, but today he was downright silent. And he barely ate. But with the speed the food disappeared with, no one would notice.

"That was great, Brian," Adam finished up and swallowed his last bite with some coffee.

"Yeah, only problem is I'm plump through the berries now and need some for dessert."

"Ooohhh can we help pick the berries, Brian?" Guthrie, ever willing to help, bounced off his chair.

"You can all help me."

"I was actually working on a song, if you don't mind."

"You can work on it later, Danny," Brian started collecting the plates, "It won't take long. It's too nice out to stay inside all day."

"You don't need all of us to pick a couple of berries," As long as Daniel didn't see the point, he wouldn't give in. In fact, he dug his heels in.

Crane cleared his throat and spoke, almost not trusting his voice, "Go on, Danny, sometimes a song works out better after taking some distance. You know that."

"You coming too?"

"No," Adam spoke up, "I need Crane's help here for a moment."

Daniel looked from one to the other, unsure all of a sudden. Crane had said he'd tell Adam on Friday, but if he didn't know any better, he'd say Adam already knew. No, he had to be wrong. Still, it was clear the two didn't want the rest around, Daniel was smart enough to realize that. "Okay, I'll help."

"Right, dishes, clean up…shouldn't take more than 15 minutes and then we're off."

Brian was right, it didn't take more than 15 minutes when they all worked together doing the dishes, cleaning the counter (the process of making pancakes seemed to involve more mess than usual) and table. Before Crane was ready for it, he was alone in the kitchen with Adam. Before leaving Brian had put his hand on Crane's shoulder for a quick squeeze as if to say 'you'll live, kiddo' and then he'd done the same to Adam, conveying pretty much the same message. Daniel had given Crane another long, penetrating look, but Crane had simply given him a nod to go and the boy had gone.

For a full minute the two stood in the kitchen, almost afraid to speak up or move. Then Adam pulled himself together. He had to face punishing the brother he'd never thought he'd have to punish. But he also had to face his own fears of having a brother so far away, too far for him to protect. He put his coat on and opened the door. Wordlessly, Crane followed his example. He didn't have to be told where they were headed. He'd never made the long trek to the barn for this reason. He'd watched his older brothers make it a few times when he was little. It had always filled him with awe and fear. His own punishments were few and far between. The worst had been a spanking Dad had given him for arguing with a teacher over some historical fact. It wasn't so much the argument as the way he had handled it. Dad had told him it was okay not to agree with someone, but you had to be respectful about it. Always. He'd learned that lesson at the age of 9 and had never forgotten it.

He'd once watched Daniel make that walk. And it had killed him to sit in the living room knowing his younger brother was about to get his backside nailed to the barn door, as Brian had called it back when he was 15. Crane had blamed himself, thinking he should have been able to help Daniel avoid the situation. He'd been more than willing to take Danny's punishment, but Adam had not let him. It was a lesson Danny had to learn for himself. Knowing Adam was right hadn't made it any easier.

To walk that walk himself now, was a whole new experience and a whole different kind of misery. It was only a few yards, but it felt like miles. And his boots felt like they were filled with lead. His palms were sweaty. He glanced at Adam's back in front of him and in his memory he saw Dad walking next to Adam, strap in hand. That strap had lived on the inside of the pantry door and Dad would take it off the hook if he felt a boy had a strapping coming. Crane knew it wasn't there anymore, but had no idea where it was now. He couldn't imagine having to walk to the barn next to your father who was holding the strap. Everyone would know what was going to happen. At least Adam had spared him that by having everyone out of the way. But was the strap in the barn? Or was Adam going to use his belt? Or a switch? He knew Mom had threatened Brian with a switch once. Not that she'd ever done it. Brian hadn't wanted to find out how serious the threat was. Crane shuddered at the thought.

The walk may have felt like miles, when they did reach the barn, it was still too soon for the 18-year-old. He stood in the middle of the barn while Adam carefully closed the doors. Slowly the oldest McFadden turned around to face his younger brother. Still, he didn't speak and it made Crane nervous.

"Erm…where do you want me?" He could feel his voice crack a little, "Over a hay bale? Saddle stand? I mean…I don't know how this goes down normally."

"There is no 'normally' about this, Crane, and you know it. But I know this is your first time and I can see how that makes you nervous. God knows, Brian and I got it more than all you boys together."

"I just…I want to get this over with. I've been dreading it for almost 2 weeks now and I want to put it behind me."

"I understand that," Adam took a few steps in his direction and placed his hand on Crane's shoulder, "but it doesn't work that way. I don't take you here to simply have you bend over and start whacking away."

"Oh."

"I know I have a temper, and I'm quick to yell, but when things end up here, I'm calm. I have to be. So we talk."

"Oh," That prospect was even more frightening.

"Don't get me wrong, part of me is still angry that you disobeyed me. Or more importantly, that you took such risks with your own health and life. That's what we have to talk about."

"I know you…"

Adam held up his hand to silence his younger brother, "How this works is, I talk, you answer questions. You don't interrupt. Clear?"

"Yes sir."

"Sit down for a moment," Adam pointed to a hay bale against the wall and Crane lowered himself on it, folding his hands in his lap. Not wanting to pace back and forth in front of his little brother, Adam pulled over a crate and sat down on it. It put them at eye level and kept him seated. "You scared me, kiddo. You really scared me. I know I gave you that speech when I drove you to Davis, but I never actually thought it was necessary. I thought you were sensible and level headed enough not to even try this." Crane opened his mouth to say something, but remembered Adam's warning and closed it again. "To learn that you were foolish enough to do this because a girl talked you into it…well, that just scares the hell out of me. I wanted you to get a good education, to go to college, to live the life you were supposed to. But you're my little brother, I'm responsible for you, and driving you to Davis, leaving you there, was the hardest thing I've done so far. I worried about you every night. But I told myself I didn't have to worry, not about you, because you are smart and well grounded. Turns out, my worries weren't unfounded. And that makes it even harder to let you go back after this weekend."

Crane's head snapped up now. Adam's words implied that him going back wasn't certain yet. Adam couldn't, couldn't he?

"Do you have any idea how hard it will be letting you go back Sunday? How much sleep I'll lose worrying this time?"

"I'm sorry, I really am," Crane was studying his hands again, unable to look at Adam at that point.

"I know you are. But I still wonder what you're really sorry about. I know a marijuana cigarette or two doesn't sound like a big deal. I'm sure most students try one at some point. But you know what can happen when you allow yourself to get intoxicated, doesn't matter what substance it is. You lose the ability to judge situations. And that is dangerous, kiddo. That's what scares me. That you're at some party and decide you're good to drive when you're really not. Or some other guy takes offence with something you say and instead of handling it like you would sober, because of that pot you'll misjudge the situation and end up hurt. It's not even the worry that you'll end up throwing your scholarship away by being high all the time. I think you're too smart for that. But it's about those little incidents that can have the same effect. That can take your own or someone else's future away."

Crane felt the salt on his lips and realized the tears that had been threatening ever since the talk in the kitchen, were starting to spill over. He nodded at Adam's words. It was exactly why he'd broken it off with Sandy, cute as she'd been. He still saw her every now and then, around campus, always with another guy. And if he closed his eyes he still felt her hand on his skin, felt the tingle the mere touch caused. He could literally repeat the deep conversations they'd had about politics and religion, about the future, about life. But he'd known that she could only have those conversations when she was high, where he didn't need drugs for that. In fact, he far preferred having them without drugs. Still, there had been a connection between them that had been special to him. And he still missed it even if he knew he'd never go back to that, to her.

Adam watched Crane's emotions and reached out to touch the boy's cheek, "I know it's not what you thought about when you did it…"

"But it is," Crane's voice was scratchy, but clear, "Well, maybe not when I started doing it, but it's why I stopped. It's exactly why I stopped. Because I don't like not being in control and when you're high you're not in control. You say and do things you wouldn't normally do. And I knew that could lead to trouble. It's not…" suddenly he stopped, "Sorry, you said not to interrupt. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I guess I was a bit too strict with that. Have to be with Evan and Daniel nowadays or they'd never listen to me, but you're different." His hand still on Crane's cheek he couldn't resist brushing a tear away with his thumb, "I'm glad to hear that you stopped for that reason and not just because it didn't work out with the girl."

"It was the reason it didn't work out with her," Crane sniffed, but the words were strong. "But I know I never thought about how I worried you."

"Well," Adam gave him a small wry smile, "I guess I never thought about how I worried Mom and Dad either. I guess it's not what you do when you're a teenager."

"I'm 18…"

"That's still a teenager, kiddo. And you're entitled to your teenage years. Brian had a good point earlier."

"But I don't want to act childish and do stupid stuff. I want to be an asset to the family, to the ranch."

"You are! But your first duty is to yourself, Crane. To your own future. Your job right now, is being a student and making sure you're healthy and happy. And it's my duty to steer you in the right direction if you stray, if you take risks you shouldn't be taking. We each have our jobs here."

"Which leads to the consequences."

Adam laughed, "Yeah, which leads to the consequences. Kiddo, I hope you know I really hate doing this. I don't resort to it often, but the few times I have, I've always hated it."

"I know," Crane wiped his face with the back of his hand, "I saw your face when you left the barn after you gave Daniel that whipping."

"I thought you only had eyes for your little brother."

"Danny was fine. He just needed to cry. You however….you looked like someone had tortured you. But Brian had you, so I focused on Danny."

"Yeah Brian always has my back. And then I go and accuse him of this."

"He'll forgive you."

"I know."

"Will you forgive me?"

Crane's small, fearful voice broke Adam's heart and he pulled the boy to his feet and gathered him in his arms, "I already have, kiddo. Nothing you can do that I won't forgive." He could feel Crane's body shake as his brother cried on his shoulder. After minute or two Crane pulled himself together.

"I'm sorry, didn't mean to cry like that."

"It's okay, kiddo, it's perfectly fine." Adam pushed Crane's body slightly away from his own so he could look the boy in the eyes, "I think we need to put this behind us." A quick nod was his answer, Crane didn't trust his voice. "This is a serious thing, kiddo, I can't let it go with a slap on the wrist."

"I know, Adam, just give me the verdict. I can handle it."

"Oh I know you can handle it. Question is, can I?" Adam was talking to himself more than to Crane. "You know why I put the strap away?"

Crane shrugged, "Not sure."

"I didn't want to be dad. First time Danny lost his temper at school and they called me to pick him up…Brian and I looked at each other wide eyed, suddenly realizing we'd also have to deal with discipline. We weren't ready for that. And we didn't want to. We knew Danny didn't need that type of punishment at that moment and he wouldn't have gotten it, but it made us realize that we'd be in that role at some point and neither of us was prepared to pick up that strap. So that morning, in the kitchen, we vowed not to. We'd put the strap away in the barn and would avoid corporal punishment as much as possible. If we couldn't, there were other ways. Worst case scenario, we'd use our belts. But you know it's only gotten to that maybe twice. Evan's itching for a second one, but so far he's avoided it. Still…we didn't get rid of that thing completely, because we knew there'd be situations that called for it."

Crane swallowed hard. "I understand."

"No, you don't. I'm not going to use it."

"I can take it, Adam," Crane argued.

Adam raised his eyebrows, "Are you arguing me, young man?"

"No, I mean…" Crane fell silent and Adam held back a smile.

"Good, because I don't want to use the strap. And I won't. Unless you force my hand by repeating this."

"I know I won't."

"Okay, I believe you, but a promise is a promise and I always keep my promises," Adam still had his hands on Crane's arms. "I don't want to drag this out much longer, but I do want you to know what's going to happen." He watched his brother swallow and nod. "You're getting the belt. Jeans down. You'll get to keep the underwear because I believe you were going to tell me. Otherwise it would have been on the bare." That had an effect, he could tell. Crane's face had lost all color. "You'll get your age in licks."

Crane blinked. That sounded like a whole lot of licks. His eyes were on Adam's belt, still buckled, and the thing looked huge, at least in his mind now. "Where…how do you…"

"I think that bale of hay will do," Adam decided.

"Okay," Crane swallowed hard and watched his oldest brother and guardian unbuckle his belt and pull it through the loops. He quickly turned around, not wanting to watch any further, but he could still hear the jingle as Adam doubled it over.

Adam placed a blanket over the hay bale, giving Crane a little privacy while the boy fumbled a bit with his own belt and buttons on his jeans. Finally he managed and pushed his jeans down to his knees and eyed the bale before carefully putting his hands on the blanket. He knew he should feel embarrassed, but all he felt was sorrow and dread. Sorrow because he'd put his brother in this position. Dread, because he knew this was going to hurt. And he prayed he could get through it without completely losing it.

Suddenly, a hand on his back caused him to choke back a sob. "Ready?" Adam asked, but Crane couldn't speak. He could only nod. He was more than ready. But as he heard the belt whistle through the air he suddenly wasn't ready. He wanted to yell 'wait', but it was too late. The next second the strip of leather exploded against his barely covered behind and yet another split second later fire erupted. He managed to keep the sound to the bare minimum, but hadn't been able to hold back the gasp at the impact. Yet, the hand on his back felt comforting. He hadn't expected it. Never having experienced this, he hadn't been in the club of brothers who discussed this amongst themselves. And even if they had, he doubted they would have shared that small comforting touch. It was a completely different kind of heat than the heat on his backside, but there was more than warmth in the touch. Love and forgiveness, neither of which he felt he deserved, yet it was freely given, even before he had paid the price for his behavior.

That wasn't to say that he wasn't paying. Adam didn't lecture while whipping him. Over and over the belt fell and as the heat built, Crane's reaction became more vocal. He couldn't stop the yelps from finding their way out. The tears were slowly dripping on the blanket, creating a wet spot.

"Half way there, kiddo," the words should have been a comfort, but they weren't. Crane didn't think he could endure the same amount on top of what he'd already taken. He lowered his head and his body shook with held back emotion. "I know it hurts, buddy, I know. But it's nothing compared to the hurt that could have happened."

"I knooow, but it really hurts!" Crane cried emphatically and Adam almost smiled.

"It's actually a little ironic that you're 18. Dad always gave us our age, so that's what I stick with. But in your case, that means 2 licks for every member of our family, including mom and dad. And I think that's fitting. Don't you?"

The first real sob racked Crane's body. He had no words.

"I'm not saying that to be mean, kiddo, but I'm saying it to make you think. You have a responsibility to yourself and to your family to stay safe. To not take risks with your life. And I'd rather you feel a little hurt now than a lot of hurt later on."

Adam rubbed Crane's back for a moment, but he, too, had to put this behind them. It hurt him just as much, just differently. "Okay, 9 more to go."

"No pleeeaase," Crane pleaded, embarrassed as he was for pleading, he couldn't stop himself.

"You'll be okay… I promise," And with that Adam snapped the belt against the defenseless backside again. He had to steel himself. His brother's cries were breaking his heart.

Crane was lost in a world of hurt, sobs wrecking his body as his backside was set on fire. But finally, only minutes after it had started, the punishment was over. He remained bend over while Adam rethreaded his belt. The older brother figured Crane needed a moment to collect himself, but when he saw Crane push himself up and painfully pull his jeans back up he couldn't help turning Crane around and pulling him into his arms. The strength with which Crane returned the embrace took Adam by complete surprise. Yes, Crane was a sensitive guy, and had always been ready to give the little ones hugs, but it was at that moment that Adam realized no one had actively hugged Crane for reasons of comforting Crane himself. It had always been Crane who comforted others, never the other way around. And it was wrong. Everyone needed a hug for comfort every now and then.

"I'm sorry, Adam, I'm so sorry," Crane cried against his brother's shoulder and Adam held him tighter.

"I know, kiddo, it's okay," Impulsively, he placed a kiss on the top of Crane's head and he felt the boy's sharp intake of air. For a second he worried he'd taken the comfort too far, but then he felt Crane relax. "I love you, kiddo. And I'm proud of you. So very proud. I know I don't say it often enough. And…" he pulled back a little and lifted Crane's face, "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I allowed you to grow up too quickly. I forgot you were a child as well. You were Ford's age now. I can't imagine putting the kind of responsibility on his shoulder that we loaded on yours. That wasn't fair."

"I don't think you chose, Adam."

Adam sighed, "Maybe you're right. But it still wasn't fair."

"Nothing was fair about the whole thing. It wasn't fair on you and Brian either."

"Still, I was almost an adult and Brian was 16. You were only 12. That is far too young."

"You were younger than I am now."

"Yes, I was. You're right. Nothing was fair about it. But still…allow me to apologize. You lost your entire childhood. And that shouldn't have happened."

"It's okay…I loved being able to help. It helped me too, you know. It helped me cope. I'd have been lost if I didn't have anything to do but be a kid."

"I can understand that." Adam studied Crane's face. "You okay, kid?"

"Yeah…I'll live. My butt disagrees, but…this is gonna sound so incredibly corny…my heart feels lighter."

Adam smiled, "I know how that feels. Never told dad, but I felt the same when I'd messed up enough for him to take me here. I hated it, but I always left feeling like a weight was lifted off my shoulders."

"As long as I don't have to go riding anytime soon, I'll be fine."

"I'm sure we can keep you restricted to the house for the rest of your visit."

Crane's eyes grew wide, "That wasn't what I meant."

Adam laughed out loud, "Couldn't resist, kiddo."

"So not funny."

"Hmm I think it was….well, guess you'd better go and wash your face if you want to avoid awkward questions. They won't be long now."

"Ugh…I must look a mess. I haven't cried this much in years," Crane sounded disgusted. "So much for taking this like a man."

"There's no such thing as taking this like a man. Not when you truly regret what you did and feel guilty as hell. I was never able to. I know Brian wasn't. And Dad said neither was he. So don't worry. It comes with the territory."

As they walked through the doors Adam kept his arm around Crane's shoulder and was warmed when the younger one kept leaning against him ever so slightly.

"You won't punish Daniel for offering to lie for me, right?"

"No, I won't. That wouldn't be fair. But I hope you managed to get him to see that this was the right course."

"I think so. But I'll talk to him again." In the kitchen, Crane walked to the sink and turned the faucet. He splashed cold water on his face to cool down and help get rid of the traces of tears and puffiness under his eyes. Still, bending even slightly caused him to groan, "Damn, that'll hurt for a while."

"You'll be surprised how quickly it goes. The strap's another story, but this…well, dinner will come a little too early, but you won't feel much come tomorrow. Of course, keep up the swearing and I may just have to add to this."

"No…no need," When he saw Adam's face he realized Adam had been teasing him again. "You really need to work on your comedy routine."

"Don't have to. I've already got my job: parenting you lot is a full time job."

"And you love it."

"Yeah," Adam smiled, "I wouldn't have it any other way."


End file.
